To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card and combine with the start/expiry dates and security code. What’s yours?
Back in my day, we used to call it "recess"... now-a-days, it's referred to as "cease fire"
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When you wake up in the morning, that's as good as you're going to feel all day
I'm also available in Sober
I don't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining break-dancing and lunch?
You know it's cold when Paris Hilton has to put on underwear
I think Santa Claus has the right idea to only visit people once a year
I'm going to buy my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, "toys not included.”
I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60s I made love to many, many women – often outdoors in the mud and the rain – and it’s possible that a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing
I'm not superstitious, I'm only a little stitious
I'm so cool that I wasn't born, I was unleashed
This just in from the centre for disease control.... To avoid catching Bieber fever... Wash your hands and grow up!
I think everyone should stop teasing poor Justin Bieber... She has feelings too!
I hate it when people say stuff in their status updates that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poo
Out walking my pet fish
I'm about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself
I'm bringing sexy back? You're the reason sexy left in the first place!
I'm not doing what Simon says
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Beta testing your mom
I'm an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery
Having zero tolerance for the lactose intolerant
I'm a Jedi. Obviously!
Too many freaks, not enough circuses
Two's company, three's...the musketeers!
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles
Thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" then you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"
Why did Jack and Jill fetch water up on a hill?
Grammar is important. For instance, commas save lives: Let's eat grandpa. Let's eat, grandpa.
If you see a guy opening a car door for a girl, it's one of two things: either a new girl, or a new car
I decided to cancel my Twitter account. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I'm pretty sure people are following me
Plastic surgery allows women to make their outer appearance resemble their inner appearance... fake
How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could Chuck Norris
I'm going to snap, crackle, and pop your neck
He's swimming like a sperm with a purpose!
Putting the pro into procrastination
I'm no Gynecologist but I will havea look
You're so much cooler online
High on life... and glue
huked on fonics
Cocaine is a good way of telling you that you make too much money
I love cooking with wine... Sometimes I even put it in the food
I've been carbo-loading for the last 30 years or so in case I ever need to go on a 5,000 mile run
Clowns aren't scary. One has been staring at me from the cemetery next door, but I can't stop giggling at the balloon chainsaw he's making
When my girl leaves for her girls night, I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot
If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible
Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back
I put the "sex" in dylsexic
Son, getting $100 for Christmas doesn't make you "rich", but if snorting powdered sugar off Barbie's ass makes you feel rich, as you were
I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters
I was acquitted of stealing 23 bottles of beer. Turns out the prosecutors couldn't make a case of it...
DROWN THE BASTARD!!!!! Grandma please... we're at a baptism!
I put the "m" in illiterate...
WARNING!!!!!! Drinking may cause memory loss. Or worse, memory loss
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I'm facing sexual harassment charges...
Just chillin at home with the wifey.......i mean Wi-Fi
I hate being bi-polar, its effing amazing :)
Watch me jab a Liqui Fruit straw into your femoral artery on the first try
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I slept like a baby last night.... Waking up every 3 hours crying for food
Answering Machine: "Hi! I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message. If I don't call back, it's you"
I always take life with a pinch of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila
Children are welcomed at all theme parks as long as they are accompanied by Money and Daddy
Women are like handguns. Keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it
My wife accused me of being self-important. I nearly fell off my throne
How do you fix a broken Jack-o-Lantern? With a pumpkin patch
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
I should really stop confusing sign language for kung-fu
Worrying works! 99% of the things I worry about never happen
I get my large circumference from too much pi
How come, when my wife says she needs to talk, it's never about rugby?
I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough'
Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Michael and I am an alcoholic'?
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
My pc's bark is worse than it's byte
If it's really a supercomputer, how come the bullets don't bounce off when I shoot it?
Caffeine is for people who feel they aren't irritable enough on their own
I could lend a hand but I prefer to give a finger
Anyone who says an onion is the only vegetable that will make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin
Don't follow in my footsteps. I walk into a lot of walls
Love your enemies. Just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of jerks
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils
My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower. I told him of course he could, as long as he didn't take it out of my yard
An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public
What are the days of the vampire week? Moonday, Toothday, Veinsday, Thirstday and Frightday
I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you
