One Liners
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age
Never eat with your mouth full
Always remember, three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population
People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege
I only work to enjoy when I am not working
She's got ten-foot pole marks all over her
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer
How can I love you if you won't lie down?
You can find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary
I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you
I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, okay?
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide
I think I could fall madly in bed with you
Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours
The future isn't what it used to be
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word
Drink wet cement: Get Stoned
Bend over. I'll drive
Save our beaches. Harpoon a fat chick
It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am
F CK - All i need is you
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out
Do witches run spell checkers?
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN
Disk Full - Press F1 to burp
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
There's incredible chemistry between me and my wife right now.She's currently dissolving in an oil drum filled with hydrochloric acid
I think I know when you're getting old.I was watching porn last week and found myself thinking, "That bed looks comfy."
http://computerpowertest.com/
My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex... So I dumped her!
My wife says that I shoud 'take her breath away'. I've chucked her inhaler in the bin now, that should do the fuckin trick!
Unemployment!.......it's just not working!!
Animal doping Jockeys should get off their high horses...
I started reading a book about a giant dog with super powers. It's basically impossible to put down
I'm not chicken, when I've got something to say... I'll say it to your facebook!
Judging from the covers of woman's mags, the two topics most popular to women are 1) Why all men are disgusting pigs & 2) How to attract men
Pre Mature Ejaculation Society dinner this Friday night. No dress code... just cum in your pants
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot
When in doubt, mumble
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I always take life with a pinch of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there staring at the carpet?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical aid
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired
Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it
As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and they're like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this but not my charizard
The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it's twice as big as it needs to be
Windows: Just another pane in the glass
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
All computers wait at the same speed
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me
You! Off my planet!
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed
Allow me to introduce my selves
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards
Back off! You're standing in my aura
One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead
Too many freaks, not enough circuses
Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done
A woman's favorite position is CEO
Does this condom make me look fat?
I plead contemporary insanity
I refuse to star in your psychodrama
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people in case they hear me. In future, I'll write it down
Slavery. Gets shit done
Just got my leprosy cured High 3!
My house has just been re-possessed..... I didn't even know the old ghost had left
Recreate the fun of a public swimming pool. Simply fill your bath with cold water, add a pint of bleach and then piss in it
My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything
You have to hand it to muggers...
Stephen Hawking masturbating - Now theres a stroke of genius
An average British teenager watched 90 minutes of porn every week. I always thought I was above average
Madonna looks great for 50. She has the body of a man half her age
My wife fell from a 70 story bulding today, Unfortunatly it was from the bottom floor
They say old people are technophobic, but my granddad can't live without his computer. He's on Life Support
My girlfriend keeps getting nose bleeds. Her doctor has advised me to stop punching her
I'm just a social drinker. Every time someone says, "I'll have a drink", I say, "Social I."
Two Dyslexics working in a kitchen. The first say's "Can you smell Gas?" The second replies "I can't even smell my own name!!"
My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay, he's got Alzheimer's and thought it was the car
I've a horrible feeling I'm under surveillance. I've been looking at Google StreetView + the same van has been outside my house for days now
Sign on a brothel door: "Beat it, we're closed"
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I sent her my ironing, that'll keep the bitch busy
A slut is a woman who sleeps with everyone. A bitch is a woman who sleeps with everyone but you
I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow. I rang them today to check the time. It's fucking ten to one
"Dad, what's a transexual?" "Ask your Mother, he knows."
Two men standing at the bar of a country club. One says, "I'm a country member." Other one says, "Yes, I remember."
I thought i'd burn a few calories today. So i set fire to a fat kid
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year
Due to the credit crunch, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
I went to the ATM this morning and it said "insufficient funds". I'm wondering, is it them or me?
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How the fuck do you drive this?"
I recently subscribed to the Psychotherapy Journal. I've got a few issues
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from. Then it dawned on me
I've been playing online poker for about a year now. Last night my girlfriend told me it's either poker or her. I think she's bluffing
One thing I can say about my wife is that her in-laws are a lot nicer than mine
I bet you I could stop gambling
I can't get enough minimalism
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative
Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know
Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?
I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy
Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in
He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine
Well, paint me purple and call me Barney
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far so good
Can a blind person feel blue?
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?
If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?
The meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen
Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough
Friction can be a drag sometimes
Drilling for oil is boring
I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
I'd give my right arm to play guitar like that
He's no rocket surgeon
I could smell that with one nostril tied behind my back
I'm going through paper like it grows on trees
I'm trying to contain an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!
All old people should be shot at birth
I live in my own world... it's okay though, they know me here
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With that?
My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living
Just when you think you've hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel
Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died
If a "fatal" error is made with the E-mail I sent, does that mean I killed somebody?
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
It's a small world -- unless you gotta walk home
I'm going to start thinking positive, but I know it won't work
At age 66 I'm bisexual. I said bye to sex
It is better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall
Money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye!"
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why isn't it #1?
The other night I laid in bed looking up at the stars and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the roof?"
With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically-challenged
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't
Would you like some salsa with that chip on your shoulder?
Who's the Padawan now, Bitch?!?
So she says to me, "No, you can't plug that in on the first date."
I would like to engage in a battle of wits, but it appears you are unarmed
Phone Message - "If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key"
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli, A strong currant pulled him in
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend
I'm so ugly, my mother had morning sickness after I was born
I was asked to join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday
I'm so ugly, I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get
Two aerials met on a roof - fell in love and got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say "Aaah"." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice
I had a lumberjacks's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy
Driving with my girl, we both got a bit frisky and wanted to do something about it. We decided to take the next exit, but it was a turn-off
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him R50 he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Death is hereditary
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire
The shortest distance between two points is under construction
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before
What's the speed of dark?
Where there's a will, I want to be in it
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The truth is out there...anybody got the URL?
It is fruitless to become lachrymose because of scattered lacteal fluid!!! (don't cry over spilled milk!)
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken
People say that if you play Microsoft CD's backwards, you hear satanic things, but that's nothing, because if you play them forwards, they install Windows
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
I'm Faster than a speeding ticket
Don't believe everything you think
My feminine side is lesbian
Without geometry, life is pointless
WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?)
Stable relationships are for horses
Your body would look good in my trunk
Just say NO to negativity
I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure
Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls)
National Spellling Bee Runer-Up
Dyslexics Untie!
When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you
I'm pink, therefore I'm SPAM
I love animals. They're delicious
Be alert. The world needs more lerts
Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids
I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
Excess is never too much in moderation
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states
To err is human, to moo bovine
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route
Don't believe everything you think
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants
Dyslexics are teople poo
An Apple a day keeps Windows away
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most
Double your drive space. Delete Windows
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors
What would Scooby do?
Sorry I missed church. I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian
My drinking team has a bowling problem
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment
Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam
Procrastinate now
If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?
The trouble with life is there's no background music
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy
Allow me to introduce my selves
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one
There's no place like 127.0.0.1
I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?
IRS: Be Audit You Can Be
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips
Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!
First things first, but not necessarily in that order
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME
I'm an English major: You do the math
Out of my mind - back in five minutes
Without ME, it's just AWESO
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Life would be easier if I had the source code
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that)
Constipation causes people not to give a crap
What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?
I have the body of a god. Buddha
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt
Archaeologists will date any old thing
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know
Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?
It's not who you know, it's whom you know
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live
I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest
I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer
I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks
Half the people in the world are below average
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms
The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list
Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh
A closed mouth gathers no foot
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize
I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
There's no future in time travel
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous
I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago
As I said before, I never repeat myself
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
Clones are people two
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage
Don't be a sexist, broads hate that
Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got
I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood
I bet you I could stop gambling
Drilling for oil is boring
I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
Did we go to different schools together?
Would you like Gin and Platonic, or Scotch and Sofa?
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see around here
I'd better get a library card, because I'm checking you out
Doctor, I'm having that dream again. You know, the one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia and bestiality? Do you think it's a problem? Or am I just beating a dead horse?
A little Jew boy walks up to his dad and asks, "Dad, can i have 5 rand?" His dad turns to him and says.... "4 rand!. What do you want 3 rand for?
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass
Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn
Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly
You grow on people, but so does cancer
You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified
You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one
Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained
You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but man, can she climb a tree.
2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
If a kid swears in sign language does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
Losing a wife can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
Jesus is coming, so look busy.
We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?
Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.
Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
You can't have everything; where would you put it?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
SARS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
Gravity always gets me down.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out
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